


never knew secrets were so heavy

by rayfelle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Nonbinary Hanji, Other, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 18:16:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3906013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayfelle/pseuds/rayfelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For being as loud and open about themselves as Hanji was, they were far too good at keeping secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never knew secrets were so heavy

**Author's Note:**

> Giveaway fic to sightinadifferentlight (on tumblr).

For being as loud and open about themselves as Hanji was, they were far too good at keeping secrets. Maybe it was the openness and willingness to let others know what they had asked for that guarded those secrets that Hanji kept away, locked tight in a wooden box and away from prying eyes and ears.

Armin was never supposed to know. Hanji never intended to _let_ the younger know – Armin could figure that out without the need to ask the questions aloud.

There was tension coursing through whole of Hanji’s being, their revealed skin prickling with goose bumps and shivers, fingers pulled into tight fists. Never before had Armin seen them this… _this close_ to breaking under whatever it was that they were guarding so ferociously. The blond wanted to know, finally, just what his partner was refusing to let go of, but the intensity of Hanji’s eyes was burning his resolve away too quickly.

The white spiderweb of scars that played on the dark skin seemed to mock the both of them. Across Hanji’s arms and over their back, some even stretched to the back of their neck and there were, probably, designs painted on their legs and stomach as well. So out in the open and yet… And yet, Armin had failed to notice any of this before.

“How… Why?” Something keeps the boy (because Armin is nothing more than that in the face of the tragedy written out on the flesh of the one he loved so deeply) from asking other questions. More important questions.

He had no right to demand any answers, when he hadn’t been worthy of the truth in the first place. Or maybe this was Hanji’s way of protecting him?

Hanji blinks but doesn’t let their gaze waver. They never shy away from confrontation, not even when there are too many blades pointed at them and too many weaknesses revealed. “Because I don’t trust myself.” They say in the end, knuckles of their fists turning white from the strength they try to keep at bay.

It’s an answer and the same time it’s not. Too many truths are still kept away and buried under years of playing pretend and repeating over and over again that those memories and dreams weren’t real. But the scent of the old world still lingers in everything that Hanji does, it sticks to Armin as well, even if he remembers nothing and lives a life free from nightmares of things done wrong.

And still, with all that Hanji had hoped to hold the Armin of this world close to themselves yet again. Relax with the feeling of the boy’s breath against their fingertips and the reminders of this being real hidden in Armin’s rants of oceans, mountains and the never-ending sky above them.

Armin bites his lip, breathes deep. “But do you trust _me_ , at least?” He wants to break things, beg for Hanji to finally stop keeping their pain under lock and key. He wants their trust. But was it really possible to receive something like that when after so long he still knew so little about them.

There were stories hidden in everything Hanji did and every part of their body, the scars now revealed as the narrator of them all.  But how could Armin unravel all these jumbled up signs and words when Hanji did their best to erase them from existence?

“I do.” The answer is immediate, Hanji’s eyes burning even brighter than before. “Nothing in this world would make me doubt you.” They add then and stand up so quickly that the chair they had been sitting on falls over. Hanji is breathing hard now, their hair messed up and facial expression slowly morphing into something broken and dark. “But I can’t watch you leave me again, Armin.”

There is nothing but confusion twisting along Armin’s insides now, breathing ice along every part it can reach and whispers questions against the back of his neck. Ouestions that Armin was far too scared to ask now. What if they are the last drop? What if one wrong selection of words pushes Hanji down the path covered in thorns?

But he _needs_ to ask. He needs to know what his partner fears so much. Armin has never left them before so the spoken fear, formed by Hanji’s lips, does nothing but worry the boy more.

“I have never left, Hanji.” Armin finally speaks, one hand reaching out to push hair out of his eyes. “I don’t know who you see me as, but stop it.” It hurts, to be seen as nothing but a fleeting ghost of sorts. Not quiet, actually. Hanji sees him and Hanji also sees someone else in his place – both at the same time. Armin is still not sure why or how, but he wants them to let go of the past and finally clear away the smoke of someone that used to be.

The silence between them is too fragile now. A quiet before the storm, a vibration that could spark the flame of something dangerous and unstoppable. Hanji stands still, back straight and chest still heaving. Their face is still reflecting the hidden demons inside of them, the fight that seems to take place somewhere far inside of their head.

Finally Hanji lets out all the air stored in their body, sag and relax as they closes their eyes and just _breathe_. There is something beautiful about them unwinding just like that, breaking apart by their own will and revealing something so well hidden to the eyes of others. A step forward, perhaps, to being able to trust their own partner was made just now. A small and tentative one, but strong in its resolve.

Armin can only watch and swear to keep this a secret for as long as he lives.

“If I were to tell you about a world full of monsters and people who lived like cattle, would you believe me?” Hanji still has their eyes closed when they speak in a quiet voice. There is still hidden fear laced in their words, belief that no one will believe in the past that wasn’t know by anyone else but them.

Slowly, Armin reaches out and takes Hanji’s hands in his own, the touch gentle and calming. Assurance that he was and will be there for them. “Tell me everything.”


End file.
